she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
