When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize