fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
