My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
