Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
