im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
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