Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
