Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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