Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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