theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
