The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
