All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
