Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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