if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
