I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
