Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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