I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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