Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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