I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
