dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
