I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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