I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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