Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
