I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
