i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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