She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
