A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
