Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I cannot find my penis.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
