martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize