Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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