Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
