So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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