I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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