Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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