I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
