all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
