swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
