My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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