Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
