it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
