apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
