I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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