Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize