i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
