I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
