Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
do nipples grow back?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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