Your face is a jimmy john
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We talked him into tasing himself.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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