I wish my penis had an off switch
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
