If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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