I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
