Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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