One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
