Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Randomize
