why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
