remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
