The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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