omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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