my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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