I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
it glows. i had to have it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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