It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
