She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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