i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
