My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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